Memories that will Never be

 

Memories that will Never be

 

By

 

Noel Reichel

            Noel woke up at about 08:37 and checked his phone. No one had called or left a message. He was a little surprised but glad. There was always the chance that there would be a message from his dad saying they had to cancel because his mom was “sick”. But apparently not this morning.

            This was Christmas morning, 2011, and Noel had to wake up at 09:00 to go to his parents’ house to celebrate. When Noel was younger he was like most little kids and had problems sleeping on Christmas Eve, but he never seemed to outgrow this. He certainly slept better now, on Christmas Eve, but if he had to get up to go the bathroom getting back to sleep on this night was a chore. He put his head back down on the pillow knowing he would not sleep anymore but there was no way he would get out of bed before he had to.

            This was Noel’s first Christmas he had off work in the last six years. In addition, because of his mother being “sick”, sometimes Christmas was not celebrated with his parents. Today was special because it would be like old times.

            At 09:00 Noel drug himself out of bed and put on some clothes, brushed his teeth, grabbed his parents’ gifts and left.

            When he arrived at his parents’ house his mother was in the middle of making breakfast. “Hi Guy!” his mom exclaimed the way she had when Noel came home ever since he was in kindergarten, and probably even before. It never got old and he loved hearing it. His dad was turning on the fireplace (it was gas). Above his dad hung filled stockings, one for Judy, one for Charlie, one for Noel, and one for the cats. The Christmas tree sparkled and shined with lights and tinsel and candy canes. There were presents under the tree, put there by Santa Claus, no matter what anyone said. Noel gave his Christmas list to his mother by Thanksgiving each year and she must then forward it to Santa as there were gifts from him.

            “Merry Christmas. Hey, can you fix the TV? The cats got behind there and knocked the cords out again.” his father asked as Noel put his parent’s cards on the tree and presents underneath. The cats were kittens, less than a year old. Noel called them Gut Ripper and Disemboweler. Of course these were not the names that his parents called them, but too bad.

            When the television cords were in their proper place and the fire was going everyone sat down to breakfast. There was sausage, eggs, toast, and homemade blueberry waffles. There was flavored cream for the coffee. There was fresh squeezed orange juice. This was the Christmas breakfast since before Noel had graduated. As his sister moved out and his mom got “sick” Noel did not get to have it every Christmas but he loved it when he did.

            His father prayed and then they ate. His father was sober and his mother spoke without slurring. His parents spoke reasonably and Noel took everything to the extreme in order the make a joke. His mother asked if they could just have one adult conversation. It was a wonderful breakfast.

            When breakfast was over they cleared the table. Noel got a cup of coffee with French Vanilla creamer. Everyone made their way to the family room.

            The structure of the unwrapping of the gifts was a tradition that also dated back to when Noel was still in school. First was the stockings, and the first stocking was the cats’ stocking. Sharing Christmas with the cats was something that was always done in the Reichel household. Noel got down the cats stocking and took each item out separately to show it to the cats. Toys were thrown and catnip was sprinkled. The cats got good and hyper and were given plenty of treats. 

            Noel then give his parents their stockings and took his and sat on the chair next to the TV table and emptied it. He got candy. He got a video game magazine with Link on the cover and an article about the Skyward Sword. He got some high grade catnip for his own cat. He got a book of Sudoku puzzles. The emptying of the stockings continued at a leisurely pace and then it was time to open the presents.

            Noel got down under the tree to find a present for his dad. His dad opened it and everyone watched. He got a bag of good quality, expensive, socks. Next was his mom. She got a super comfortable pair of slippers she had wanted. She must have a dozen pair now. Then it was Noel’s turn. He liked to guess what was in present before opening it. This one was easy. It was a box of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.

            And it continued on in this way. Noel got an autobiography of a wrestler. Noel thought he should have gotten The Satanic Bible as that was the first thing on his list but it seemed he never would get that particular book for Christmas. He got the Watchman Ultimate edition on Blu-ray. He did not have a Blu-ray player, but someday he would. He finally got the Jesus Freak two disc set that his mom had told him was on order and she would pick it up after Christmas. That was three or four years ago. Her being “sick” had probably stopped her from picking it up earlier.

            Noel balled up wrapping paper and threw it at the cats. Not to the cats, at the cats. Noel loved that. The cats seemed to as well as they jumped around and batted the never ending supply of paper.

            Nicki and Noel always knew the “big” gift was from Mom and Dad, not Santa, and to open that last. For some reason that Noel did not understand it was always important to him that he be the last to open a gift, but it was. Now it was time. It looked to be a DVD but Noel could not guess which one. The only movie on his list was the Watchmen. He opened it and to his amazement it was not a DVD but a used copy of Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker! He had bought a used GameCube for himself for Christmas but could not find any of the only three games he wanted to play on it. And this was the game he wanted to play the most. He did not know where they had found it. He did not know how his parents knew to get it. He had just bought the GameCube in December so the game was not even on his list. Perhaps his sister had read his facebook and told them.

            Noel would rather get many inexpensive gifts from Santa than one expensive gift. And while the value of all his gifts was not worth a whole lot the process and tradition of Christmas morning was worth way more to him. Everyone was in their right mind and happy. There was no indication of his mother’s “sickness”. It seemed as if the unspoken monster was perhaps not real and that maybe when his mother was “sick” she really was sick. Everything seemed right.

            But, of course, this would never be. Noel’s mother had died almost two months ago. He would never hear her say “Hi Guy!” again. There would never be a Christmas breakfast where his mom would ask him to have an adult conversation again. There would be no more filled stockings or presents under the tree to distribute. The old times were gone and they were never coming back. There would be no more fooling oneself that the monster did not exist. Addiction had killed his mother.

FIN

Novissime diebus Judith

Novissime diebus Judith

By

Noel Reichel

As Noel walked into his parents house he knew his mom was pissed. Really pissed. She had said as much when she left him the voice message. That was two days ago and Noel had not called her back.

            “Hello” he said in a sing song voice trying to give the impression nothing was troubling him.
            “How dare you?”
            “How dare I what?” he asked, although he knew what she meant.
            “How dare you go to my Doctor and threaten him with losing his license. You have no right to do that.”
            “That’s not an accurate statement.”           
            “You called Doctor Shukala and told him that if he continued giving me my medications you would have his license pulled.”
            “I did not do that.” Noel learned how to argue and debate from his mother. She was a master. He knew that when being attacked in a debate to say as little as possible. That would leave the other person to ask the questions giving the impression they really did not know what was going on. It also left the other person to do most of the talking. This then leaves a greater chance of the other person saying something you can use against them later in the debate.

            “That’s what Doctor Shukala says. And I believe him before I believe you.” She had left him now to do the talking. His strategy had not worked. But what could he expect; he was up against the Master.
            “I did call, but at no point in the conversation was there any talk about his license. It was never brought up.”
            “You did not have the balls enough to tell me.”
            “You did not ask.”
            “How am I supposed to know to ask? Do I have to ask everyone you talked to? ‘Hey Noel, did you talk to the State Farm today? Hey Noel, did you talk to Uncle Dennis today?’ You should have told me you were going to talk to him.
            “When I talked to him you were still in the hospital. I could not tell you.”
            Noel’s mom had been in the hospital countless times in the past for her addiction. Dr. Shukala would prescribe her Vicodin, Ambien, and Xanax. She did have real conditions that necessitate her using these drugs, but she could not handle these narcotics. She would take too many and run out too soon. Then it was on to alcohol. She would either get so bad that her husband would have to call an ambulance or she would attempt suicide. The time in the hospital that Noel was referring to she had gone days without eating in a prescription induced stupor. She arrived at the hospital looking not like an addict but more like a prisoner of a concentration camp. An awful place of torture and malnutrition of her own addiction that imprisoned her. All she had to do was put in the effort to walk out of her personal Auschwitz, but she could never do it. It was three days before she was able to communicate.
            “Then you should have told me you called him.”
            “Why do you think I called?” Noel’s mom had also taught him to ask questions when the time was right. Ask questions and don’t stop. Control the conversation. Lead the opponent to where YOU wanted them to go.
            “Because you are trying to control my life. You should have never looked at my hospital paperwork on the table. It is none of your business.” The hospital paperwork in question showed that she had been in the hospital, again, for severe intoxication. Noel had run across it while getting his mail. He had brought it up to her and she did not believe him that she had been in the hospital, that is how drunk she was. She did not seem upset at him looking at it then, but now that she was mad at him she would throw whatever she could at him.
            “I was looking for my mail. It was in the pile.”
            “As soon as you saw my name on it you should of put it down. You should not have read any further. It is none of your business!” Noel knew that this was foolish. If the roles were reversed she would have read the paperwork. Anyone would have. He did not think to bring this point up though. For the skill in debate that Noel did posses, he was not real good at thinking on his feet. He was like a chess player that had the opening moves memorized and had endgame strategy down pat, but was not a good enough player to think for himself in the middle of the game.
            “I called because I love you. I won’t sit by and let your abuse your prescriptions if I can stop it.”
            “You are trying to control my life. I was going to tell Dr. Shukala that I did not want Vicodin anymore because Vicodin and I don’t mix well. But now he won’t give me Xanax either. So I have to drink. I can’t get my Xanax so I have to drink alcohol.”
           “You don’t have to, you could go into a rehab.”
           “I called Brighton and am supposed to go in there in January.” This surprised Noel. He has been telling her for years she needed to go in to a rehab and now she was finally going. It should not be so long a wait to get in though? Today was Halloween.
            “Good, I am glad.”
            “You are trying to control my life and I don’t want you in it anymore. I don’t want to see you again. I want you to change your address so your mail does not come here anymore.” Noel was trying to control one aspect of her life and that was her ability to get narcotics. Noel wondered in the back of his mind if what he had done was the right thing to do. He was studying addiction and knew it was logically, but he was like everyone who loved an addict and second guesses themselves when they step in to give consequences for the actions of the addict.
            Judith told Noel on more than one occasion that he was the only reason she was living. She often said she wanted to die. She felt she could not count on anyone anymore but Noel. “You are the only that is always there for me.” she would tell him. Now how would she cope?
           “What are you going to do with my mail?”
           “I don’t know.”
           “You can’t throw my mail away, that’s illegal.”
           "I guess we’ll put it in a big envelope and send it to you. Just change your address and we won’t have to worry about it.” Even though Noel moved out eight years ago he had never formally changed his address.
          “I love you.”
           No reply.
          “You know, sometime in the hopefully distant future, you are going to look down on me from Heaven and think ‘Boy, Noel really did do the right thing to try and help me.’”
           “When I lost your sister I cried and cried. I don’t even need to cry over you.”
            With that Noel gathered his mail. On his way out he bent down to kiss his mother on the head and she lay on the couch.
            “I love you. I will see you later.”
            “I doubt it.”
            “Mom, I am sure we will see each other again at some point.”
            “I wouldn’t count on it.”
            “Goodbye mom, I will see you again.”

Believing that she had lost everyone in the world she could count on, two days later Judith overdosed on alcohol and prescription drugs and died.

FIN